Marriage is Still a Great Idea
My marriage died 10 years ago. There were lots of reasons, but we had such high hopes when we got married! I am a Pastoral Counselor that is passionate about helping people have a better marriage and I was devastated when the divorce happened. I take some solace (not too much really) in that I am in good company with previously divorced relationship experts Dr. John Gray (Men are From Mars and Women are from Venus fame), Dr. John Gottman (7 Principles for Making Marriage Work), and Tony Robbins (Ultimate Relationship Program). Even we “supposed” experts can take our eye off the ball. We are human too. (I guess it’s not easy to be married to a relationship expert!)
More recent generations think that the “institution” of marriage might be outmoded for this day and age. They say, “let’s live together instead so that we can ‘try it out’ and see if it works out. We can enjoy all of the benefits of marriage without the commitment that will cost us a lot later if we get divorced.” This idea seems to take the pessimistic view that, “since we are going to get divorced anyway, let’s just live together instead.” Unfortunately, research has shown that this “live together before we get married experiment” has failed and most of these couples end up getting a divorce in higher numbers than if they had gotten married in the first place.
So where did this idea come from? First, beginning with my generation, many of us have seen our parents have a really bad relationship or have experienced their divorce and have lost confidence that marriage can work. My parents’ marriage lasted 59 years before my father passed away but there were times when I never really understood why they stayed together. Their form of love was not what I wanted. Bad role models might be one reason.
Second, I think our trust in other institutions has faded as well. The government, educational institutions, and even friendships don’t match up to our commitment to them. They want us to trust them and yet they let us down. We have become self-focused instead of other-focused and we destroy the very relationships that we want to work. When President John Kennedy made the statement, “Ask not what your country can do for you, but you can do for your country,” hopes were high that we could change into something better than what we were. In our time, we want the government to step in and do all kinds of things for us. In marriage, “until death do us part,” has become, “I will continue to love you ‘if.’” It is all about our happiness, not the others.
Marriage is a great idea! But like many other great ideas, selfish human beings have stepped in and screwed it up. When will we begin to understand that great relationships take a lot of work? If both parties in the relationship make it about the other person, everyone wins. If that was your focus while you were dating and at the beginning of your marriage, why is it so hard to keep it up now? Focus on your partner. Remember what they liked to do, what they like to eat, and what makes them laugh. Go back to date nights, buying flowers, and doing things together. Take time off work, go for a walk, and hold hands. Be kind, loving, and attentive to their needs. Remember who you were and learn to love them again. I wish I had done this 20 years ago.
Maybe we should change President Kennedy’s line to say, “Ask not what your spouse can do for you, but ask you can do for your spouse.”
